Christmas - Day 1
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, CO
December 14
Dearest John:
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift! I couldn't have been more surprised.
With deepest Love and Devotion,
Agnes
Christmas - Day 2
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, CO
December 15
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine - two turtle doves! I'm delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.
All my love,
Agnes
Christmas - Day 3
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, CO
December 16
Dear John:
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one! Now I really must protest. I don't deserve such generosity - three French hens. They are just darling, but I must insist - you've been too kind.
Love,
Agnes
Christmas - Day 4
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, CO
December 17
Dear John:
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now, really, they're beautiful, but don't you think that enough is enough? You're being too romantic.
Affectionately,
Agnes
Christmas - Day 5
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, CO
December 18
Dearest John:
What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one for each finger. You're just impossible, but I love it! Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love,
Agnes
Christmas - Day 6
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, CO
December 19
Dear John:
When I opened the door there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps.
So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge! Where will I ever keep them?
The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through all the racket.
Please stop.
Cordially,
Agnes
Christmas - Day 7
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, CO
December 20
John:
What's with you and those damned birds? Seven swans a-swimming. What kind of goddamned joke is this? There's bird shit all over the house and they never stop with the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny, so stop with those fucking birds.
Sincerely,
Agnes
Christmas - Day 8
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, CO
December 21
OK, BUSTER:
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with eight maids a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and eight maids a-milking, but they had to bring their goddamned cows. There's shit all over the lawn, and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me, smart ass.
Agnes
Christmas - Day 9
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, CO
December 22
Hey, Shithead:
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And Christ, do they play! They've never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.
You'll get yours.
Xmas day 10
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, CO
December 23
You rotten prick:
Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why they call those sluts ladies.
They've been balling those pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've
gotten diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit!
The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't
be condemned.
I'm siccing the police on you!
One who means it.
Xmas day 11
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, CO
December 24
Listen, Fuckhead:
What's with the eleven lords a-leaping on those maids and ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been been committing sodomy with the cows. All 23 of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten, vicious swine.
Your sworn enemy,
Agnes
Xmas day 12
Law Offices
Badger, Bender, and Cajole
303 Knave Street
Denver, CO
December 25
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instruction to shoot you on sight. With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Cordially,
Badger, Bender, and Cajole