Sure, you thought you already knew that. But now we have proof! After countless hours of surveys and studies on the following topics, these facts have emerged.
Relationships:
First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship -- he refers to it as
"that time when me and Suzie were doing it on a semi-regular basis". When a
relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she
will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on with her
life. A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00
a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you
ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But
I want you to know that there's always a chance for us". This is known as the "I
Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least
once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need;
alas, these classes rarely prove effective.
Sex:
Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider
driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.
Maturity:
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults. Most
17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym
class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.
Magazines:
Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's magazines also feature
pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while
the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Men are
turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women.
Handwriting:
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken- scratch. Women
use scented, colored stationary and they dot their "i's" with circles and
hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's".
It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a
smiley face at the end of the note.
Comedy:
Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching television, and an
episode of the Three Stooges comes on. Immediately, the men will get very excited; they
will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, man's favorite
Stooge. The woman will roll their eyes and groan and wait it out.
Bathrooms:
A man has six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a
bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the
typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
Groceries:
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and buys these things.
A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he
goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reached the
checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter that the Clampett's car on Beverly
Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.
Shoes:
When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and then slip on Reebok
sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to
work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later she will kick them off because
her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.
Leg Warmers:
Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing the dishes, is
allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants. A man can only wear leg
warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the Ball" number in "A Chorus
Line."
Going Out:
When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out. When a woman says
she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her
earring, finishes putting on her makeup...
Cats:
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
Offspring:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments
and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and
hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
Low Blows:
Let's say a man and woman are watching a boxing match on TV. One of the boxers is felled
by a low blow. The woman says "Oh, gee. That must have hurt." The man groans and
doubles over, and actually FEELS the pain.
Dressing Up:
A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the
phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.
David Letterman:
Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the Earth. Women think he is
a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut.
Laundry:
Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns,
including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his
laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out,
rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to
meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old
episodes of "Love, American Style."
Weddings:
When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony". Men talk about
"the bachelor party".
Socks:
Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks. Women wear strange socks.
Socks that are cut way below the ankles, that have pictures of clouds on them, that have a
big fuzzy ball on the back.
Nicknames:
If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other
Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a
brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla,
Peanut-Brain and Useless. Eating out:
... and when the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even
though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will
actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket
calculators.
Mirrors:
Men are vain; they will always check themselves out in a mirror. Women are ridiculous;
they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store
windows, toasters, Joe Garagiola's head.
Menopause:
When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional,
psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with
the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction --- he buys aviator
glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.
The Telephone:
Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short
messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon
returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
Directions:
If a woman is out driving, and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop
at a gas station and ask for directions. Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men
will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the
while saying things like, "Looks like I've found a new way to get there." and,
"I know I'm in the general neighborhood. I recognize that 7-11 store."
Admitting Mistakes:
Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted he was wrong was
General George Custer.
Richard Gere:
Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere
because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only
married women.
Madonna:
Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.
Toys:
Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose
interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys
simply become more expensive, silly, and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little
miniature TV's. Car phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small
robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and
requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate.
Plants:
A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man waters the
plants. The woman comes home five or six days later to an apartment full of dead plants.
No one knows why this happens.
Cameras:
Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state of the art
equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes. Women purchase Kodak
Instamatics. Of course women always end up taking better pictures.
Locker Rooms:
In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They
exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and
they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker room -- sex.
And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they
never lie.
Garages:
Women use garages to park their cars and store their lawnmowers. Men use garages for many
things. They hang license plates in garages, they watch TV in garages, and they build
useless lopsided benches in garages.
Movies:
Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every
movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man. The only actor who has ever
appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.
Jewelry:
Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring and
that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.