Rated G Jokes

These jokes aren't dirty although they may be adult in their intellect.
Last updated: 05-26-2007 06:13:37

The longer ones have links to them. The rest are under the links.

Bras

A man walks into the woman's section of a department store and tells the sales clerk he wants to buy a bra for his wife.
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquires the man. "There is more than one type?"
"There are three types." replies the clerk. "The Catholic type, the Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?"
Still confused the man ask "What is the difference in them?"
The clerk responds "It is really very easy. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen and the Baptist type makes mountain's out of mole hills."

Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?

Soldier: Sure, buddy.

Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again,
Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?

Soldier: No, SIR!

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has been given a part in the school play.
"Wonderful," says the mother, "What part is it?"
The boy says "I play the part of the Jewish husband!"
The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part."

This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland. 
Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees the North to avoid a collision. 
Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision. 
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP. 
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call. 

A little boy, wearing a big red fire hat, was riding a toy fire truck down the street. The truck was being pulled by a beautiful Labrador Retriever. Unfortunately, the rope was tied around the dog's privates, and as a consequence, the truck was going very slowly. A man walking down the street noticed how slowly the boy was being pulled and gently said to him, "You know, son, that truck would go a lot faster if the rope was tied around your dog's neck." The boy nodded in agreement and said, "But then there wouldn't be a siren."

    Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!". The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and lead the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.
    Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain calm as ever bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!". The battle was on, and once again the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, although this time more casualties occurred.
    Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?". The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid". The men sat in silence marvelling at the courage of such a man.
    As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to their Captain for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!"

    The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dogfight. They'd have five years to breed the best fighting dog in th world and which ever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.
    The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler bitches in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.
    When the day came for the dogfight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of its cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the American dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened it's mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.
    The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler bitches in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves."
"That's nothing", an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."

A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new game. Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly along it at the water's edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match.

Then, the paper reports, "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin colony and overfly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins fall over gently onto their backs." 

   An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. When he stands up to leave, he falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, but to no avail. Again, he falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stands up and, sure enough, he falls flat on his face. The Irishman decides to crawl the four blocks to his home.
    When he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up. This time, he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed. He is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.
   He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!"
   "Why do you say that?" he asks innocently.
"The pub called. You left your wheelchair there again."

Young Person's Guide to Writing Lines for the Character of Geordi LaForge!

When the captain asks Geordi why something is malfunctioning or what needs to be done to repair it, just mix and match these words at random:

Okay, now let's give it a try! Try your hand at the following dialogue:
Picard: Geordi, what can we do to pierce their shields?
Geordi: I'll need Data's help, but if I...RECONFIGURE the INDUCTION CONDUIT PHASE DISCRIMINATOR, and AMPLIFY the SUB-SPACE MATRIX MODE I think we'll have a shot at it. But, it's gonna take some time, Captain.

A priest and a pilot just arrived in heaven. Saint Peter opens the door and welcomes the pilot:
"I'm glad to see you, come in and be happy. And you father, I'm sorry to say that, but you must stay outside." The priest says:
" Hey, are you stupid ? I spent all my life in the name of the lord, and now I should stay outside and this pilot is welcomed. Tell me why ?" St. Peter says:
"As you were praying in your church, all the people were sleeping, but when our pilot flew his plane all the people were praying !"

A man who traveled a great deal in his work had the odd hobby of frequenting cemeteries in his spare time. He had been to cemeteries all over the world and always with the same hope that he would discover the lost tomb of some famous person. While in Europe, he found a very old and ivy covered mausoleum. It had a moss encrusted name plate which he quickly began to scrape at with his pen knife. B...E...E...T...H... "Could it be?" he asked himself. Sure enough, it was the tomb of Beethoven. Though he knew he shouldn't, he couldn't resist opening the creaky, rusted iron door and peeking inside. In the chamber sat a very small, shriveled, gray haired man, sitting at a desk, paper in front of him, erasing furiously.
"What are you doing?" our awed explorer asked. The old man didn't pause as he replied,
"I'm decomposing."

A bit of American wisdom was demonstrated at a medical school during a discussion of obstetrics. "Who is happier of two men, one with five million dollars or one with five kids?" asked the professor. A student stood up to answer:
"I'd guess the guy with five kids," he said.
"And why did you pick him?" the professor asked.
"Because the guy with all that money, five million bucks, isn't satisfied and wants more."

USEFUL GEOMETRIC DEFINITIONS

1. LOCUS Little insects.
2. POLYGON Dead parrot. At one time it ate the locus.
3. SYMMETRY A place to bury the polygons that ate the locus.
4. RAY The man who buries the polygons that ate the locus in the symmetry.
5. HYPOTENUSE Big animals. Polygons sit on them and eat locus.
6. APOTHEM An animal that is an enemy of the polygon. It eats locus too.
7. ACUTE An adjective to describe beauty, e.g. acute apothem.
8. PI Something that is eaten and sometimes thrown.
9. PRISM A place where bad people are held.

A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill." So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for $57.00. The drunk says, "I haven't got it." The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street.

The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says * (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill." The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $67.00. The drunk says, "I haven't got it." The bartender can't believe it. He picks the guy up, beats the living daylights out of him, then throws him out into the street.

The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink, give me the bill. In disgust, the bartender says, "What, no drink for me this time?" The drunk replies, "No ****ing way! You get violent when you drink."

Back to Jokes Contents Page